When I wrote Gift of the Tiding Bearer the first time, I gave its main character Doran a lot of emotional baggage. I was eager to create a tortured hero with a tragic backstory on a quest for vengeance. But I didn’t know much about true anxiety disorders at the time; I was just finishing nursing school and though my test anxiety and burnout were through the roof, I didn’t know much about the crippling weight of anxiety attacks or trauma.

But… I learned.

Although there were a plethora of contributing factors, the bottom line is that by the time I overhauled the story three years later in preparation of the full trilogy’s official launch, I’d had a handful of serious anxiety attacks, and lived with the constant uncertainty and edginess of an anxiety disorder. I’m blessed to be able to say I’m doing a lot better now, but being able to infuse Doran’s story with bits of my own experience connected me to him in 3 Big Ways—ways that make readers connect with him too. Let’s break it down.

(1) Description

I read once that people all experience emotions in different physical places on their body. I can’t vouch for how true that is for everyone else, but for me (and Doran), anxiety is very much a throat-and-chest-centered feeling. Like choking. Or drowning.

I think these quotes speak for themselves, but by the time the story reaches its climax, readers can feel Doran’s anxiety attacks coming on just by a few brief descriptions—the tightening in his throat, and the stiffness in his lungs. This was my own experience during the time I battled anxiety, and I ached for Doran every time he felt himself crippled by the fear once again…

But apparently I didn’t ache too much because I still wrote it. Sorry, buddy. It’s a main character thing. * shrugs *

(2) Impact

In my first draft of the story, Doran’s PTSD-driven panic attacks made guest appearances from time to time, but they ultimately had little impact on the story other than as a tool to tell his Tragic Backstory™️. But once I knew the vivid, disruptive nature of anxiety first-hand, his anxiety took center stage. It moves with him throughout the story, becoming as real an antagonist as the ruthless general on whom he seeks revenge.

The pledge he receives from the Giver serves as a counterbalance, an anti-thesis to the constant internal monologue of doubt and terror that drives him.

“Be not afraid, for I am with you.

Be not discouraged, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you.

I will hold you up with My victorious right hand.”

But the pledge doesn’t stop at his fear. It goes one step further, stating the reason why fear is now irrelevant: “I am your God.” The pledge, found in Isaiah 41:10, defines his identity. Doran has known himself only through the abuse and mistreatment of General Isambard for more than a decade and he’s come to believe it himself: He’s weak; he’s worthless; he’s a mistake.

The Giver’s pledge invites Doran into a new reality. He is not alone, he is not unwanted, and his weakness is supplemented by the all-powerful and victorious hand of His God. As 1 John 4:18 promises, “perfect love expels all fear.” In the presence of One who tells him his true worth, Doran may find comfort and courage like he’s never known it before.

(3) Solution

I can’t say too much here without spoiling the epic finale, but if Doran ever hopes to be victorious, he will have to learn to lay hold of the Giver’s word and accept His truth above every lie he’s ever believed. My poor boy could probably benefit from some professional therapy too… I know I certainly have. But ultimately, his battle is one we all face every day: will I believe the lies of an enemy, and live in fear and darkness? Or will we choose the truth of God’s word and rest in the light of His protection and love?*

To find out how Doran chooses, you’ll have to check out the book. He deals with a lot of other stuff: stigma for his physical disabilities, some level of chronic pain, being a short king… And he also learns to sword fight, gets a crush on a girl, and finds out he’s a terrible dancer! I love this character so much and I hope if any of his struggles hit close to home, that his victories give you hope.

Until next time, stay curious, kind, and courageous. <3

*Please note: I do not mean this to imply anxiety disorders require only spiritual solutions. God has appointed many caring people to the medical and mental health field as extensions of His healing ministry and if you struggle with anxiety, don’t be afraid to get a professional involved. <3 <3 <3

Pain Into Purpose: How I Used My Experience with Anxiety to Write Better Characters

A Magic System Inspired by Scripture?

I Rewrote An Entire Book After Publishing: Here’s Why